Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.