Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

calling in to work dehydrated

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.