Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Tremendous stuff
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.