Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Wait a minute…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.