Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust