Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
incredible book dedication
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where