[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously