*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them