Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You Might Also Like
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
December birthdays be like…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.