*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
You Might Also Like
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
A new level of troll.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time