[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.