I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.