*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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blocked.
HELP 😭
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before