{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.