[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.