[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?