*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like