*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.