*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Hero horse inspires millions
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Weighing up my bread heating options
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys