*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.