*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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Webb. James Webb.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Here’s a meme
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.