*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.