*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend