Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
i guess his teacher was really pissed
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
found this cool rock hiking today
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.