heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos