Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You Might Also Like
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Miscakes
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The first one, obviously
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here