Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Ha.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.