[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You Might Also Like
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
when someone compliments me
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”