*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
You Might Also Like
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
#ProTip
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”