[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby