[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Body by cheese-puffs.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’M CRYINGGG
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved