[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
What the hell happened in there??
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲