[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.