Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
You Might Also Like
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos