Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.