heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO