heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Become ungovernable.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time