Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.