Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Rambo Rambow
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby