[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill