@Home_Halfway

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

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@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@david8hughes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo