Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it


“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores


Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.


Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”


I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo