@Home_Halfway
@prettysadmostly *opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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@prettysadmostly 
@SkinnerSteven I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
@UnFitz Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
@tarashoe religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
@LeBearGirdle Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
@tastefactory If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
@Kyle_Lippert I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
@GrantTanaka Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
@Rollinintheseat Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
@jonnysun “to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”