@Home_Halfway

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

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@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@UnFitz

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

@tarashoe

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

@Rollinintheseat

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”