@Home_Halfway
@MaryKoCo If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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@MaryKoCo 
@tuckonthis “Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
@thejamietighe Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
@david8hughes Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
@Arroia Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
@Book_Krazy Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
@fatherofcomedy Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
@SteveSuckington When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
@TravLeBlanc “Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
@DaddyJew I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo