Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory