@Bob_Janke

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

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@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

@lazerdoov

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

@DothTheDoth

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

@Darlainky

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

@notmythirdrodeo

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@shopkins776

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

@3sunzzz

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.