Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”