Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*



Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…


Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.


Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.


Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.


I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you



ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!


*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*


Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”


In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.