Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.