@Bob_Janke
@WritePlay *walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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@WritePlay 
@AmericanGent69 Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
@TheBoydP When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
@lazerdoov Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
@DothTheDoth Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
@Darlainky Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
@notmythirdrodeo I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
@Brampersandon_ [infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
@shopkins776 Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
@3sunzzz In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.