Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff