Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun