Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.