my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you
-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*