Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
mechanics be like
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
This is me
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.