Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
You Might Also Like
Just got to our Airbnb!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”