Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
You Might Also Like
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
lumberjacks will cut a birch
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
doing some research
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target