Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!