Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
it be like that
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.